I haven’t written a Thought Stream in a long time, but I guess it takes a triggering event to spur a thought worthy of sharing. I’m part of a book club at work and we recently wrapped up our book study on “Give and Take” by Adam Grant. This is a must read! It discusses the correlation of giving and taking and how it relates to our success in life. It talks about givers, takers, and those that do a little of both (which is most of us). What I liked about this book is that it’s very data-driven. I’ve always said numbers don’t lie, but people do. You might say I’m a bit of a data nerd, but I love statistical correlations and the predictive outcomes. I found this book absolutely fascinating
I’ll try not to be a spoiler here, but givers prove to be the most successful both professionally and in their personal lives. You really need to read the book to fully understand how the author arrives at this outcome. He offers many examples in this book, but it’s not as obvious as you might think. I had to do a great deal of self-reflection as I’ve always viewed myself as a giver. We all give and take, but it’s more about which way we lean the most. That’s really what defines you in my opinion.
Let me give you an example. I’ve spent most of my career fostering and managing strategic partnerships. Metaphorically speaking, I’ve always described my job as as looking for the best peanut butter, jelly, and bread to make the world’s best peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There are a lot of ingredients you could mix together that could make the absolute worst sandwich or the absolute best sandwich. How you prepare and care for that sandwich and the tools you use to make it are just as important as finding the best ingredients. I like to think over my 30+ year career I’ve become a Master Chef in making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the context of strategic partnerships. I have a lot of great partnerships I’ve fostered and managed over the years that I’m very proud of, but I’ve made a few moldy sandwiches along the way too.
Back to the point I’m trying to make, I’ve always thought of myself as a giver as I strive to always be the first to bring value to a new partner. I’ll make introductions. I’ll be the first to send over a lead. I’ll share thought leadership, knowledge, experience, and industry insights. I go through a lot of effort to illustrate my value to the new partner beyond a simple monetary exchange. It feels good when when you bring something of value to a new partner and see them benefit from it, but in the back of my mind am I expecting some form of reciprocity? Yikes! Givers give expecting nothing in return. This is somewhat soul crushing when I’ve always placed myself in the category of a giver. This has created an identity crisis. The distinction is on the word “expecting”. If you’re “expecting” reciprocity, then you may not truly be a giver. However, “receiving ” reciprocity without “expecting” it doesn’t change your nature as a giver. These little subtleties make all the difference in who you are.
This gets a little fuzzy at this point, so let me clear it up. I have as many failed partnerships as I do successful (maybe more). Those failed partnerships are where I invested in them and they simply didn’t materialize or live up to their potential. Maybe we had the wrong ingredients, used the wrong tools, had poor preparation (due diligence), or maybe they were poorly managed. Should I have not invested in these failed partnership? Should I have held back on what I had to give? Were they a waste of time? Not a chance! I’ve learned from each one of them. These failed partnerships are the foundation for all the successful ones I’ve enjoyed throughout my career. I know that not all partnerships are going to succeed…and that’s okay, but the ones that do are wildly successful. It makes me think of Michael Jordon’s famous quote, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” What might be overlooked in all of this is that Michael Jordon is a giver. He gives his wisdom on the court to his teammates. He shares his experiences. He’s a teacher in many ways. He gives to make this teammates around him better. As good as he is, he knows it still takes a team to win. He gives much of himself to make others around him better. There is no greater giver than a teacher in my opinion. I have to look no further than my wonderful wife as a point of validation.
The point of all of this is you don’t have to change the nature of who you are. What you learn in this book is that there is no right or wrong. You’re not less of person if you’re a taker, and not more of a person if you’re a giver. Most of us fit somewhere in the middle. With that being said, the data tells us that you might consider subtle changes and lean toward a little more giving as givers are proven to be the most successful in life both personally and professionally.
I thought of this visual that I think sums it up very nicely…
It’s important to know the difference between pouring a little out of your cup to fill the cup of someone else vs. emptying the cup of someone else to fill your own. You will always get more out of pouring a little out of your cup to fill the cup of someone else. Giving has a strange way of multiplying. I find that when I give my cup always seems to be full and at times even overflowing; however, when I take I find it difficult to keep my cup full or even half-full. That distinction in my mind captures the difference between giving and taking. I’ve seen the effects of this in both my personal and professional life. The big takeaway here is that we should lean in to giving a little more and a taking a little less…and enjoy a cup that is always filled to the brim! As you can tell, I thought this was a great read and I highly recommend the book. I shared the link above, but here it is again if I’ve sparked your curiosity – https://www.amazon.com/Give-Take-Helping-Others-Success/dp/0143124986.